I was very grateful that God used me after all, for ASC Student Camp, when it first seemed impossible.
And just when I thought I'd merely "session" for them during the daily worship services 'cause I had other CCA admin stuff to settle, I eventually decided to stay in because of the early hours of the practices and services.
I guess spending the wee hours outside home for that number of days gave me the time and the ambience I needed for some time alone with God.
During the BBQ on the final day, among Zhihao's PA system playlist there was "5 loaves 2 fish" by Corrinne May, a song about surrender, that came into my life during a time when I really needed that moment of surrender to God.
To surrender my... delusion that I could take things into my own hands easily, I suppose.
I went off alone to that dark classroom block to pray. About many things.
Among which was my frustration that I never seemed to be able to be fully satisfied in God Himself. I was still chasing after the kinds of love that I wanted, or I thought I wanted. Those desires were real, and relevant, I believe. They remain very much so, and I believe they're from God.
But I could go so far as to say that I won't be satisfied; I WON'T REST until one day when my desires are met.
And though I've gotten enough timely messages from God to never doubt His existence ever again, truth was, to me He's just like a pen pal, a one-way Skype friend. We communicate at a distance. Only He was a webcam. Sure, I've recieved a few "e-mails", but what I knew of Him was based on information. Concrete, yes, but just information.
And I know there can never be a day when we can sit down and have tea and talk just like friends do. Before I go home to His Kingdom, that is.
So for now, this is the furthest our communication could go.
...
"How could I possibly be satisfied like that?" I asked God.
~
After I got a bit better I went back to my bunk which was also the venue for the camp prayer cell, and Qinglin was making this passing comment about being surprised at someone saying it's easy to believe in the Christian faith.
In an equally passing comment, I said I'd probably say the same. It's just information based faith, after all.
I was surprised at how, at that moment, I easily took Shuyi's reply to that comment of mine, 'cause I feel a tad reserved now even as I put it into words when I recount that conversation.
"Perhaps you haven't really met God yet."
But I had to say, I was suddenly opened to possibilities that lay before me and I chose not to see.
To think that I dared say that this was the furthest level of fellowship I could go with God. When in my last post I was still praying for "something better".
WHEN GOD HAS ALREADY GIVEN ME HIS BEST! HE GAVE HIS LIFE FOR ME!
There's definitely more I can seek, and God can always reveal more of Himself to me. And here, I'll ask Him to.
"Please."
