I wouldn't have shared what I've shared if not to show that, after all the shit that's happened, 我彻底死心了。
Just that I've been shaken, a lot, by almost everything that followed.
Shaken because? Because whatever I've been internalising, whatever I'm becoming, whatever I've been growing into is now shattered by one single word.
"Wrong."
So life is not that simple after all. So I have to go back to playing guessing games all over again. So I'm no longer in control after all.
It sucks. Like, sucks.
I have relinquished ownership of my life long enough. Not in the sense of leaving my life to God, but in the sense of being totally irresponsible and not caring about what I do and how I behave, and insisting that I could remain the way I was. And actually succeed in life.
Until that ray of hope came by, telling me that it's not that out of my control after all.
I'm still utterly convinced.
But then came the impact, just enough to shake me. To the core.
I don't feel safe, at all. I felt like I'm being thrown into the cold dark world once again. I wish I could stay in the hot shower for good. It's cold outside.
But I'm obviously out of the shower now, typing this post from wherever I am.
And it's cold inside me too. Freezing cold.
That seems to be the reality I've constructed for myself. All this while.
The bubble I've blown, just enough to keep me warm and hopeful within this reality of mine,
burst.
And here I am, forced to gaze upon my past hurts again. Wounds still festering and even rotting away now. Wounds cut into me, since the day I was born.
Still there. Nothing's changed.
Don't worry, friend. It's not about you, it's about me.
The scariest thing is, God is clearly in charge. In charge of all that's happening now.
I need to be alone. Not even alone with God, but alone.
