A look too much

The goldfish came to our cluster kitchen a few weeks ago. Lively and adorable, in a simple fish bowl. Didn't know who owned it, though, but it looks like it was constantly fed.

It's been a few days since I last returned to my dorm, and

the goldfish died. lying on its side on the base of the fish bowl. i shouldn't have looked. everytime i see something die i see the face of death. i wish someone would clear it. i won't be stepping into the kitchen for quite some time 'cause if no one clears it i would see the fish decay.

then i'll see the face of hades too.

Retail Therapy

Home after 2 weeks away, and I recieved the best homecoming greeting ever :)

Why I blog

I should have been doing my Japanese homework.

But somehow, I'm glad I spent some time looking back to my past posts, even those dating back less than a year. I can see how much I've changed since then.

New preoccupations, new opportunities, stuff like that. Things I never imagined I would experience, now laid on my table in all their abundance.

I can hardly believe that there'll be more to this. But I know I have to.

At least I'm in good hands, that's for sure :)

Step out

There are some things in life now that I'd rather not go through.

On the brighter side, that's part and parcel of taking up any kind of responsibility. I just need my dose of Initiative again LOL.

Then again, this beats cooping up myself at home playing video games (like last December), anytime. OK actually I still don't know which is better.

Eat snake watch this.

Just as I was pondering whether to take a power nap before I continue with my Lab Report, along came Joel's tip-off.

Goodness... they sure know how to have fun LOL.

Bites

I want one of this.

I've decided to invest on nice headgears recently, and the easily identifiable Domo-kun might make a nice addition to the collection. Hmm...

Shagged but satisfied

Halfway through my Lab Report.

It's been a long time since I've felt this exhilaration that comes with learning. I've been praying yesterday about my initial goals of entering University that I've laid out, one of which being the pursuit of knowledge.

'cause I needed some reminder at times :)

And while I shouldn't be saying such things only after reaching the mid of my 2nd semester, I should be fully aware that by selecting my major I've essentially taken up a profession. I'm getting trained in a craft now.

Just a different way of saying "mugging", and it now makes staying up till 4 a.m. worthwhile.

In case I need to spell it out, this post is an indicator that life is finally back to normal. XD

So,

So you can relate after all!

Man I sure envy you for whatever you've gone through. But it's no use envying; God has his own timing for me XD.

Thanks though, for showing me that I'm not alone in this.

Let's show the world who's right!

It remains

Felt much better after talking with Steph over MSN a few days ago, and with Liwei over dinner today.

There's still a thick line between opening myself up to God and opening myself up to people, and there's still no reason I should ignore the inner demons of mine, namely my limiting beliefs and my unsound fear.

I finally realised why I used to be unable to put self-awareness together with selfless faith in God. My way of "trusting God" has always been in such a way that I'll automatically shut myself off the issues in my life and insist that everything's all right. I really have no idea where I rubbed that off from LOL.

I must now choose to be aware of my inner demons and trust God at the same time. Instead of deluding myself out of my problems in the name of "trusting God".

OK I shall do myself some justice here: Lately I did try to solve my outward, skin-deep problems while putting my full trust in God.

But I was allowed to be put through this little setback to show me, it's now time I get transformed on the inside too.

Same nature of a trust, on different levels of my being, and I got scared stiff already.

God, show me the way. This is gonna be a rough ride.

Tainted

is the word.

I love the way the characters are portrayed in Evangelion. In the words of the director, they're all sick.

And their issues were presented in a very raw way. So raw, it's therapeutic.

The music shall not end here

Though I should say, our poor attempt at "songwriting" when everyone's groggy at 7 a.m. wasn't exactly a good idea!

It's been nice working together. All those late nights of practices, supper talks, and all the side stories that happened during some of the practices, will take a special place in my memory.

And all the stuff that could go wrong with quarter-inches during a performance! LOL.

Glad to have met you guys. Rock on!

Shaken

I wouldn't have shared what I've shared if not to show that, after all the shit that's happened, 我彻底死心了。

Just that I've been shaken, a lot, by almost everything that followed.

Shaken because? Because whatever I've been internalising, whatever I'm becoming, whatever I've been growing into is now shattered by one single word.

"Wrong."

So life is not that simple after all. So I have to go back to playing guessing games all over again. So I'm no longer in control after all.

It sucks. Like, sucks.

I have relinquished ownership of my life long enough. Not in the sense of leaving my life to God, but in the sense of being totally irresponsible and not caring about what I do and how I behave, and insisting that I could remain the way I was. And actually succeed in life.

Until that ray of hope came by, telling me that it's not that out of my control after all.

I'm still utterly convinced.

But then came the impact, just enough to shake me. To the core.

I don't feel safe, at all. I felt like I'm being thrown into the cold dark world once again. I wish I could stay in the hot shower for good. It's cold outside.

But I'm obviously out of the shower now, typing this post from wherever I am.

And it's cold inside me too. Freezing cold.

That seems to be the reality I've constructed for myself. All this while.

The bubble I've blown, just enough to keep me warm and hopeful within this reality of mine,

burst.

And here I am, forced to gaze upon my past hurts again. Wounds still festering and even rotting away now. Wounds cut into me, since the day I was born.

Still there. Nothing's changed.

Don't worry, friend. It's not about you, it's about me.

The scariest thing is, God is clearly in charge. In charge of all that's happening now.

I need to be alone. Not even alone with God, but alone.

Check

By the time the beautiful summer comes I want to:

• Give more time to my Japanese Studies module
  
• Think more like a chemist
  
• Pray to Him more (- . -)
  
• Open up my bright and sunny world (^ o ^)
  
• Run for Music Director in VOICES
  
• Get back into...business (o . O)

Then, summer will be exciting. Very exciting.

Thrown back

Why am I thrown back into the unnecessary questions I've been posing to myself just a year ago, all over again? I've been stupid then, I believe. Is my mind aging backwards now?

Things are really not as easy as I thought. Not when I can no longer avoid the fact that I've been thinking in extremes for the past few months of changing my mindset.

Things are never just black and white. I should have known better.

I've been lazy.

Now that I've almost entirely transformed my principles and what I stand for, I now face an impact that might just shake me from the very foundation up.

Only if I allow it to. I tell myself. Only if I allow it to.

Overcast

The sky has never been that overcast since... quite some time ago. Kind of reflects my mood now.

While following all the self-help shit did take me to where I want to be, I now realised, upon touching down, that this is not even a destination. Just another step to a greater destiny I've been missing out on for the last 10 years of my life.

Ugh. Emo shit.

God, how do I proceed? I'm still relying on self-effort ain't I?

Google it

They say Google is now a verb. How true.

Google ＝ グーグル　＝＞　「グーグる」。Group 1 verb. Various forms include:

A: 「はい、今　グーグりま～す！」

B: 「君、先に　グーグったん　でしょ？」

A: 「いや、グーグらなっかたんです。」

B: 「さぁ．．．」

もしも、そんな風に、「ブログ」なら　「ブロぐ」になっちゃうの？そして．．．

「ブロぎます」「ブロがない」「ブロいでください」「ブロ．．．」

困ったなぁ．．．

Oh Shit

Oh shit. Haven't done homework for Japanese tutorial tomorrow! Can I just submit my 2 posts as my LAJ homework?

Kidding la.

And yes, it probably isn't very big news, but I just passed JLPT 4. Woohoo!

"Go & die la!"

Awakening

やっと　目が覚めた。

君は僕のタイプじゃない　と　覚悟しちゃった。早すぎて　あんな結論に着いたことを今さえ　思い出して、ちょっぴり恥ずかしい　と思う。

もうすぐ治るよ。

この大きな自我のせいで、まずは　「軽蔑　されちゃった」　しか　考えてなかった。でも今、君の話を信じることにした。キリストの姉妹として、信じます。

僕も、いよいよ　大人のように　問題を解決できることになっちゃったさぁ（笑）。だが　主はきっと 「こいつの人生は　まだ完全じゃないよ」　と思い、　僕に教えたい事も　まだいっぱいあるかなぁ　っと　思ってる。

期待するぞ！そして僕の　「あの人」　も、きっといつか出会える。そう信じます。

Before I move on

実は、悔しいよ。

もしも　君と友達として　もっと長い時間を過ごした後、　君にそう聞いたら、その返事はきっと違うかなぁ　と　思ってた。

でも、もう聞いた。早すぎて　聞いた。

すでに事実になったよ、と自分に言って、納得して、もう　あきらめ　ちゃった。

君が言ったどうりだ。僕のことをはっきり知っていない。僕も、君のことを思ったより知っていません。

驚かせて、ごめん。

ただ、ちゃんと気持ちを伝って、ずっと気になるあの可能性を確認したら進んだつもりだった。

でも　結局、僕が全然間違いました。

あの日から、君が悩んでるそうだったが、何のこっとで悩んでるか知らなかったけど．．．

ゆうべ、悩んでる事を聞いて、すごく感動した　(　もう　「そんな」　感動じゃなくて　ご安心を!　)。友達にその程心配されるのは初めだったよ。本当だ。それで、君のような友達を出来て　ギザ　嬉かった。

それに、僕の誤解は君のせいじゃなくて、安心してね。

あのコンサートや、先週のいろんな事や、コンサートの準備のすべて　など　とゆう　思い出　を　怖がりそうになちゃった。今も　まだ　あんまり　思い出したくないけど、きっと治るから、心配しないで。

今晩会うことを楽しんでいます。友情を直したいから、会いたいです。じゃ、また　後で。

Cherish

One can learn to cherish the moments when he's genuinely happy only after getting totally drained of it.

But will the other lessons stay with him as well? Hope they will.

Still in muddy pants and damp socks, but I'm definitely out of the mire.

It helps, after all these, to know that I've gotten myself a true friend.

And I can finally look into the mirror. And smile. Again.

XD

Caged?

I'm glad to have been part of Joel's Impressario experience!

Though I should say, that evening was a difficult one for me. Sound monitors permeated every spot in the backstage area (of course I know why). Our item was long over (the 2nd item in the first category of the day) and when I really needed some quietness I realised there was nowhere I could go.

Once again I was thankful for the company of friends. I was especially surprised to have run into Jon who was providing photo coverage for the event.

And pigging out with Roger and guys at the Tzu Char stall.

At least, I managed to look like I was simply too tired.