Shagged but satisfied

Halfway through my Lab Report.

It's been a long time since I've felt this exhilaration that comes with learning. I've been praying yesterday about my initial goals of entering University that I've laid out, one of which being the pursuit of knowledge.

'cause I needed some reminder at times :)

And while I shouldn't be saying such things only after reaching the mid of my 2nd semester, I should be fully aware that by selecting my major I've essentially taken up a profession. I'm getting trained in a craft now.

Just a different way of saying "mugging", and it now makes staying up till 4 a.m. worthwhile.

In case I need to spell it out, this post is an indicator that life is finally back to normal. XD

So,

So you can relate after all!

Man I sure envy you for whatever you've gone through. But it's no use envying; God has his own timing for me XD.

Thanks though, for showing me that I'm not alone in this.

Let's show the world who's right!

It remains

Felt much better after talking with Steph over MSN a few days ago, and with Liwei over dinner today.

There's still a thick line between opening myself up to God and opening myself up to people, and there's still no reason I should ignore the inner demons of mine, namely my limiting beliefs and my unsound fear.

I finally realised why I used to be unable to put self-awareness together with selfless faith in God. My way of "trusting God" has always been in such a way that I'll automatically shut myself off the issues in my life and insist that everything's all right. I really have no idea where I rubbed that off from LOL.

I must now choose to be aware of my inner demons and trust God at the same time. Instead of deluding myself out of my problems in the name of "trusting God".

OK I shall do myself some justice here: Lately I did try to solve my outward, skin-deep problems while putting my full trust in God.

But I was allowed to be put through this little setback to show me, it's now time I get transformed on the inside too.

Same nature of a trust, on different levels of my being, and I got scared stiff already.

God, show me the way. This is gonna be a rough ride.

Tainted

is the word.

I love the way the characters are portrayed in Evangelion. In the words of the director, they're all sick.

And their issues were presented in a very raw way. So raw, it's therapeutic.

The music shall not end here

Though I should say, our poor attempt at "songwriting" when everyone's groggy at 7 a.m. wasn't exactly a good idea!

It's been nice working together. All those late nights of practices, supper talks, and all the side stories that happened during some of the practices, will take a special place in my memory.

And all the stuff that could go wrong with quarter-inches during a performance! LOL.

Glad to have met you guys. Rock on!

Shaken

I wouldn't have shared what I've shared if not to show that, after all the shit that's happened, 我彻底死心了。

Just that I've been shaken, a lot, by almost everything that followed.

Shaken because? Because whatever I've been internalising, whatever I'm becoming, whatever I've been growing into is now shattered by one single word.

"Wrong."

So life is not that simple after all. So I have to go back to playing guessing games all over again. So I'm no longer in control after all.

It sucks. Like, sucks.

I have relinquished ownership of my life long enough. Not in the sense of leaving my life to God, but in the sense of being totally irresponsible and not caring about what I do and how I behave, and insisting that I could remain the way I was. And actually succeed in life.

Until that ray of hope came by, telling me that it's not that out of my control after all.

I'm still utterly convinced.

But then came the impact, just enough to shake me. To the core.

I don't feel safe, at all. I felt like I'm being thrown into the cold dark world once again. I wish I could stay in the hot shower for good. It's cold outside.

But I'm obviously out of the shower now, typing this post from wherever I am.

And it's cold inside me too. Freezing cold.

That seems to be the reality I've constructed for myself. All this while.

The bubble I've blown, just enough to keep me warm and hopeful within this reality of mine,

burst.

And here I am, forced to gaze upon my past hurts again. Wounds still festering and even rotting away now. Wounds cut into me, since the day I was born.

Still there. Nothing's changed.

Don't worry, friend. It's not about you, it's about me.

The scariest thing is, God is clearly in charge. In charge of all that's happening now.

I need to be alone. Not even alone with God, but alone.

Check

By the time the beautiful summer comes I want to:

• Give more time to my Japanese Studies module
  
• Think more like a chemist
  
• Pray to Him more (- . -)
  
• Open up my bright and sunny world (^ o ^)
  
• Run for Music Director in VOICES
  
• Get back into...business (o . O)

Then, summer will be exciting. Very exciting.

Thrown back

Why am I thrown back into the unnecessary questions I've been posing to myself just a year ago, all over again? I've been stupid then, I believe. Is my mind aging backwards now?

Things are really not as easy as I thought. Not when I can no longer avoid the fact that I've been thinking in extremes for the past few months of changing my mindset.

Things are never just black and white. I should have known better.

I've been lazy.

Now that I've almost entirely transformed my principles and what I stand for, I now face an impact that might just shake me from the very foundation up.

Only if I allow it to. I tell myself. Only if I allow it to.

Overcast

The sky has never been that overcast since... quite some time ago. Kind of reflects my mood now.

While following all the self-help shit did take me to where I want to be, I now realised, upon touching down, that this is not even a destination. Just another step to a greater destiny I've been missing out on for the last 10 years of my life.

Ugh. Emo shit.

God, how do I proceed? I'm still relying on self-effort ain't I?

Google it

They say Google is now a verb. How true.

Google ＝ グーグル　＝＞　「グーグる」。Group 1 verb. Various forms include:

A: 「はい、今　グーグりま～す！」

B: 「君、先に　グーグったん　でしょ？」

A: 「いや、グーグらなっかたんです。」

B: 「さぁ．．．」

もしも、そんな風に、「ブログ」なら　「ブロぐ」になっちゃうの？そして．．．

「ブロぎます」「ブロがない」「ブロいでください」「ブロ．．．」

困ったなぁ．．．

Oh Shit

Oh shit. Haven't done homework for Japanese tutorial tomorrow! Can I just submit my 2 posts as my LAJ homework?

Kidding la.

And yes, it probably isn't very big news, but I just passed JLPT 4. Woohoo!

"Go & die la!"

Awakening

やっと　目が覚めた。

君は僕のタイプじゃない　と　覚悟しちゃった。早すぎて　あんな結論に着いたことを今さえ　思い出して、ちょっぴり恥ずかしい　と思う。

もうすぐ治るよ。

この大きな自我のせいで、まずは　「軽蔑　されちゃった」　しか　考えてなかった。でも今、君の話を信じることにした。キリストの姉妹として、信じます。

僕も、いよいよ　大人のように　問題を解決できることになっちゃったさぁ（笑）。だが　主はきっと 「こいつの人生は　まだ完全じゃないよ」　と思い、　僕に教えたい事も　まだいっぱいあるかなぁ　っと　思ってる。

期待するぞ！そして僕の　「あの人」　も、きっといつか出会える。そう信じます。

Before I move on

実は、悔しいよ。

もしも　君と友達として　もっと長い時間を過ごした後、　君にそう聞いたら、その返事はきっと違うかなぁ　と　思ってた。

でも、もう聞いた。早すぎて　聞いた。

すでに事実になったよ、と自分に言って、納得して、もう　あきらめ　ちゃった。

君が言ったどうりだ。僕のことをはっきり知っていない。僕も、君のことを思ったより知っていません。

驚かせて、ごめん。

ただ、ちゃんと気持ちを伝って、ずっと気になるあの可能性を確認したら進んだつもりだった。

でも　結局、僕が全然間違いました。

あの日から、君が悩んでるそうだったが、何のこっとで悩んでるか知らなかったけど．．．

ゆうべ、悩んでる事を聞いて、すごく感動した　(　もう　「そんな」　感動じゃなくて　ご安心を!　)。友達にその程心配されるのは初めだったよ。本当だ。それで、君のような友達を出来て　ギザ　嬉かった。

それに、僕の誤解は君のせいじゃなくて、安心してね。

あのコンサートや、先週のいろんな事や、コンサートの準備のすべて　など　とゆう　思い出　を　怖がりそうになちゃった。今も　まだ　あんまり　思い出したくないけど、きっと治るから、心配しないで。

今晩会うことを楽しんでいます。友情を直したいから、会いたいです。じゃ、また　後で。

Cherish

One can learn to cherish the moments when he's genuinely happy only after getting totally drained of it.

But will the other lessons stay with him as well? Hope they will.

Still in muddy pants and damp socks, but I'm definitely out of the mire.

It helps, after all these, to know that I've gotten myself a true friend.

And I can finally look into the mirror. And smile. Again.

XD

Caged?

I'm glad to have been part of Joel's Impressario experience!

Though I should say, that evening was a difficult one for me. Sound monitors permeated every spot in the backstage area (of course I know why). Our item was long over (the 2nd item in the first category of the day) and when I really needed some quietness I realised there was nowhere I could go.

Once again I was thankful for the company of friends. I was especially surprised to have run into Jon who was providing photo coverage for the event.

And pigging out with Roger and guys at the Tzu Char stall.

At least, I managed to look like I was simply too tired.

But

しかし、

気分転換は　ちょっと　難しい　でしょ？

Then again, it feels exactly like the void right after Emerge. Which kind of means that technically speaking, it's no big deal.

hUh?

Nvm.

As it turned out

2 alternatives. Sleep the day away in my PGP bunk, or to actually study.

I should have joined Kee Onn and guys at YIH earlier instead of trying to focus in my bunk until I fell into a one-hour sleep before realising that I just cannot mug alone in whatever state of mind I'm in now.

Quite a long sentence huh, disorganised just like my thoughts are right now.

Anyway, the wasted pile of scrap that was me came to my senses and went off to YIH, still adamant on studying alone in the Study Room. Moments later I finally decided that I really needed the company of friends to get me off my brooding (oh yes I am brooding).

So in the end I actually managed to study.

Still, the company of friends hints of a tinge of fun, and to put it in the facebook context that means...

LOL. Goodness I resisted the temptation to switch on my laptop.

Liberte - NUS Voices Emerge 2009

Me in my duet item with Cen, 王子的新衣. Love this shot, Chris!

I still remember my post about VOICES when I first joined.

Yesterday, we finally delivered our very own annual production.

It was an ardous process for us... from brainstorming about the concept to auditioning for the songs, changing songs, catching chords for the songs, practising dances, vocals and live band.

All in four months. Sounds like a lot of time until you really try doing it.

Still, the moment on stage was priceless.

I must say, being part of the organising committee, my focus was spread almost throughout the entire production, instead of having to worry about just that one single item. Cen, my partner for the item, also had his time constraints but when we came together we managed to gel together quickly. As we both agreed, we'll have no time for cheorographed stage movements and stuff; raw emotion will suffice o_O.

I've learnt valuable lessons on leadership from directing live band as well. The guitarists on fire, the keyboardists pushing the envelope of synth sound usage, the drummers driving the whole song forward, and the bassists doing the same... we had our limitations, we had our worries. In the end we managed to pull through. Thank you guys =).

I still remember my other post about the whole idea of performing on stage and wowing audiences.

I now realised it's hard to feel the exhilaration of the audience during the performance when all you're doing is running back and forth the backstage looking for people, preparing for items, touching up on makeup, and so on. All we could do is believe that we did it. And from the looks of things, it's not blind faith after all.

2 songs I've sung for the production, 王子的新衣 (duet with Cen) & 无乐不作 (bass & backup). 2 very different songs, both of which have very powerful lyrics. I'm glad to have shared the emotions in the songs with you guys.

王子的新衣

我睡了一觉却更觉得疲劳 头发纠结像一把稻草
在镜子前面穿了又再脱掉 透过皮肤看得到心跳
两条锁骨苍白的线条 挂著隐形沈重的背包
我的赤裸没人看到 就像讲话没人了

沙发变成电椅 让人麻痹
对话的只有冷气 在为我叹息

如果 王子的新衣 可以让我挑选 我的动脉会被看见
宁可危险 有些疯癫 没有遮掩
穿著 王子的新衣 在人群面前 想看看你们疯狂的脸
会爱我 不爱我 不必敷衍
冒著绝对的风险 是靠在我胸前 还是说再见

我洗了一个澡 烟雾缠绕 突然很喜欢氧气的稀薄
地板的水有个旋涡 我常常幻想能被他吞噬掉
身上的水不想擦掉 在床上会躺成独特的符号
等世界需要对我骚扰 当它是我的海报

你说你的道理 我不反击
但这是我的游戏 有我的规矩

领口很透明 可以算计 喉结跳动的频率
双手拥抱的用力 你看得清
我的肩 我的膝 受伤留下的痕迹
我愿意 都透明 全部透明

我的 王子的新衣 依然挂在房间 等待机会出场表演
到那一天 或许我会 不再无言

无乐不作

想搜集夏天的热 穿越条幸福的河
想做吞大象的蛇 不自量力说真的 有何不可 我想写歌

当天是空的 地是干的 我要为你倒进狂热
让你疯狂 让你渴 让全世界知道你是我的
天气疯了 海水滚了 所以我要无乐不作
不要浪费每一刻快乐 当梦的天行者

像你这样的天使 该有翅膀和名字
该美丽中带着刺 该很认真的属于我一次

Welcome to my World

You're the guest, and you'll be glad I let you in. Welcome.

"Marie" by Takako Matsu

Before you start wondering what it's all about, it's that silly game we're all playing on facebook now. I did have quite a laugh when I finally tried it. Enjoy :)

---

Instructions

1. Put iTunes/Napster/Zune Player/WinAmp/etc on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag 10 or more friends who might enjoy doing this as well as the person you got it from.


IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
不值得 - Dream FM
(It helps in life to know how to say no... but isn't this a bit too extreme?)

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GIRL?
对爱渴望 - 杨宗纬
(Of course, aside from being attractive, she'd best be keen on being loved as well, yeah?)

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Hello - Electrico
(True... my social energy is indeed quite high today)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
情人的眼泪 - 不能说的秘密 OST
(Living for my lover's tears? Hmm... I was expecting something like 宝贵十架... nvm)

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
The Tusken Camp and the Homestead - Star Wars OST
(Geek!)

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
For the sake of the Call - Steven C Chapman
(Wow, am I really that Holy Moley?)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
Not Home Yet - Steven C Chapman
(LOL. Time to play!)

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
夏日 (Summertime) - WAT
(Yes. Summer Vacation, please come!)

WHAT IS 2+2?
20 Candles - Takako Matsu
(Wow. Great Math.)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
豆腐宅急便 - Initial D Movie OST
(...)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
永久に共に (Together Forever) - KobuKuro
(Romantic 到...)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
I Stand Alone - Takako Matsu
(T.T)

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
長いため息のように (Like a Long Sigh) - Briliant Green
(I where got so eMo!!!)

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
法廷の風景 (Court Scene) - HERO OST
(Just "Together Forever" a moment ago... and now we're sueing each other. Wow.)

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Chasing The Wind - All Saints Church Music Ministry
("Such a disappointment...")

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
谁会改变我 - 杨宗纬
(I can't bear to watch.)

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
真爱地图 - F.I.R
(Hopefulness in the midst of eMo. Cool.)

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
自导自演的悲剧 - David Tao
(Morbid.)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
三千 - Z Chen
(Since when have I made myself that many friends?)

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
片方づつの Earphone (Earbuds) - Hirai Ken
(Yea, cup earphones are so much better!)

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Yes Or No - A*Mei
(Like I'll die hearing Xiaoqian sing or something...)

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
浪漫手机 - Jay Chou
(To be precise, I regret my past ATTEMPTS at showing interest using SMSes...)

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
河滨公园 - SHE
(On the contary, it almost made me cry...)

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Why - YUI
(Huh.)

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
No Better Place - Steven C Chapman
(See, my iPod knows me best >_-)

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
让时间开口 - Z Chen
(OK... letting time solve everything, quite scary indeed...)

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
没有你 - Z Chen
(T.T)

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Kiss Me - 6 Pence None the Richer
(...)

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
My Anata - David Tao
(Ouch.)

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Marie - Takako Matsu