overly romanticised version of life

Directions

2010-11-05T20:11:00.004+08:00

The night yesterday at VOICES Mini Concert reminded me how much of a joy it is to perform.

But more importantly, knowing that I myself have traded VOICES for opportunities to serve in CVCF, I was compelled to examine whether I have put my best foot forward in my current job to make the tradeoff worthwhile.

Maybe, like many people, admin work will always be admin work, for God's Kingdom or not. However I believe it's more than just me being put off by admin work. I need to learn, above all, to immerse myself in what I choose to involve myself in; to stand behind my own decisions.

I've been sure about not auditioning for Emerge, VOICES' production next year, in fear of my inability to juggle music and studies. A seemingly feasible alternative has presented itself, however, and I'm re-weighing my options now...

Most importantly, Emerge or no Emerge, I'm still Secretary and Publicity for CVCF and I have a 4000-word term paper on my hands right now. Living in the moment and putting my best in what I'm doing now, instead of forever fixing my mind somewhere else - this is a module I have to pass before I graduate from NUS.

Kiap Kiap

2010-10-27T03:00:00.003+08:00

My generation attended Primary School in the 90's.

That's perhaps why when my Prof was comparing between the strengths of various chelates in co-ordination chemistry, what immediately came up on my mind was

I should be glad that

2010-09-26T00:20:00.001+08:00

I'm part of this student ministry movement that constantly challenges me to keep an eye out for social injustices and to break my heart for what breaks God's.

I can't blog about FES National Conference right now with such a weary body & mind, but for starters I would probably seek to constantly update myself on what God's doing through parachurch organisations, not to mention increase my research scope when it comes to mission in Japan

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Since when did we...

2010-09-09T22:13:00.002+08:00

我们常埋怨世人在发生苦难时,责问我们的神。

那难道不是因为我们不断错误地向外宣告, 在神的应许下没有苦难?

毕竟,那根本不是圣经的教导。

ったく…

2010-08-28T11:07:00.003+08:00

たまたまに
季節使わぬ
俳句書け!

Droideka

2010-08-10T10:50:00.002+08:00

The Samsung Galaxy S. Hailed as one of the best android phones around. With a processor out to kill.

When the time came to renew my plan, I was initially thinking of getting a Blackberry, but eventually I was... convinced to get the Galaxy S instead after hearing that blackberry accessories are some of the most pricey around, since the price plans cost about the same anyway.

But it kind of slipped my mind that for the same monthly figures the purchase price of the iPhone 3GS would be 50 bucks cheaper than the Galaxy S.

ANYWAY...

So here I am, with my first ever Android phone. So far I'm happy with the whole experience.

The lag was minimal, and happened solely during loading times (sometimes even while loading messages), and none for the animation and transitions.

A certain web review pointed out a few 'bugs', one of those being the contact list showing both contacts from SIM and phone after the SIM contacts transfer, but I found out all you need to do is go to the settings, and uncheck some checkboxes :)

One rather serious 'bug', whose occurence I can't replicate, unfortunately, was that the SMS text box sometimes "remembers" the intended recipient even after I've switched to a separate SMS thread, so I ended up sending a message to the wrong person. Since this error wasn't reproducible it might not have been a bug, but instead the product of my own first-time-user folly.

Thank God it wasn't a message to my girlfriend.

After frequent 'trips' to the Android Market, here are some of the apps I've downloaded so far that I'm completely happy with.

Paper Toss. OK maybe I just wanted to feel like an iPhone user at that particular moment... anyway, this popular app works just as well with the Galaxy S, with zero lag.

BatteryTime Lite. One-stop app for all the info you need on what exactly is going on with your battery now, since the user interface of the Galaxy doesn't present me with a way to find out even the percentage of my battery life I have left.

The brilliant part is that it can run as an ongoing application so the battery life is ever present on my status bar. Then again this might have consumed a little more of my battery in the process, but I never bothered to find out :)

Facebook for Android. Nuff' said.

Smooth Calendar. True to it's name, this is one smooth app. It shows as a widget on the main screen. Compared to Samsung's very own Daily Briefing widget, this baby occupies less space and pulls a lot more information from my calendar. Less is more.

Sticky Note. How I missed the days of ol' school Sony Ericsson where I was actually allowed to post notes on my home screen. With this app I can do just that. A small post-it carrying the title as an icon on my home screen, maximising to show the contents of the note upon a tap.

Best is, I can post multiple notes at the same time. Useful!

Scientific Calculator. You need this when you're dating a Maths Major. Or so I thought :)

Yahoo! Mail for Android. I can now manage my campus fellowship's official email account on the go. And the UI is not too bad!

The Straits Times. Works and loads a lot better than the Channel NewsAsia app I tried downloading before this.

SG Buses. My Iris clone army :D Allows bookmarking of bus stops and buses. Asking Iris no longer seems a chore.

Jsandbox. Japanese input program. Comments on the Android Market says it's useless and it needs kanji input. Turns out it's both useful and can input kanji. All this app needs is for an instruction manual to come with it, because I only figured out how to use it at the very moment before I gave up.

Thrilled that I can finally type messages in Japanese!

Jam 的抱抱

2010-06-13T23:27:00.002+08:00

萧苟A M駦 1:26 起 OMG.

TGIGF

2010-04-03T10:22:00.001+08:00

祂做了人做不到的事。

Chio slip-ons

2010-03-23T12:45:00.004+08:00

The looooong wait at Science CBLC these days due to the supersized lecture notes prepared by lecturers who paste high-res pictures like no-one's business.

And my 2-page tutorial is finally out.

During which I grew bored and looked online for slip-ons to feed my fantasies, and indeed I have found some of note :)

the Supra Cuban Black. It's the bling, seriously.

DVS El Gringo. Smooth.

Passing Phenomenon

2010-03-20T23:44:00.002+08:00

Levis' shoes FTW

Some Levis' sale at Tampines Mall.

Impre 1st runner-up

2010-03-10T22:46:00.002+08:00

NY Chronicles Reoprter: "So why did you guys choose to incorporate 'I Will Survive' and 'Nobody' into your medley?"

Evan: "You want the technical answer?"

All I want in the midst of this mess

2010-02-24T02:55:00.001+08:00

is to spend time on what matters.

Cornered

2010-02-20T22:33:00.002+08:00

Been in a mood swing these few days, between pressure and comfort, and then from extreme stress to exhilaration.

I guess, after calling off jam session after jam session, finally clearing 6 songs in one single night of jamming did its trick :D

Still, adrift the sea of concepts and assignments, I wonder if I can ever surface. And the 50-page SS reading does NOT help!

First time

2010-02-13T13:45:00.003+08:00

第一次新年不能吃肉干 :(

第一次过情人节 :)

You know you're a postmodernist when

2010-02-10T14:48:00.003+08:00

You know you're a postmodernist when you see this message on the copy machine

and you think,

"You didactic piece of shit."

Festive mood

2010-01-30T21:58:00.003+08:00

There's no escaping the New Year mood. Not if you dine at Engin Canteen these few days.

There's of course Valentine's Day too!

Also at Engin...

REIS, in the form of L.I.M. (Less is More), got into Impresario 2010 Finals! I should be keeping our group number tag in my wallet for quite some time... :D

Head Games

2010-01-28T00:17:00.002+08:00

I fondly recall my crazy TJC Online Forum days when I actually had the luxury of time to do lame shit like this.

That's most of our batch of Forum moderators, by the way.

Before it's Ready

2010-01-23T21:58:00.004+08:00

我们教会对于「会友当中谁和谁在一起」这方面的观察力似乎很强。这话是听妳说的。

我倒是在猜想，妳当时说这番话时，心里想的是什么。尤其是如今，当弟兄姐妹说已开始察觉到妳和我之间的…情谊。

我选择冷静，选择避免自己胡思乱想。但今天还是忽然觉得「旁观者清」这句话蛮好听的。

但我绝不会在时机成熟之前惊动…「那个字」。

Equation

2010-01-19T00:44:00.002+08:00

Somehow I've equated simple to boring. And boring to unappealing, and many other things.

Given that, I might not have the chance to experience simplicity for quite some time.

When you know you're living in danger of losing that special something or someone you know that all you have to do is to

2010-01-10T21:20:00.001+08:00

get your game back together.

isaiah lives in the constant fear of

2010-01-10T21:00:00.001+08:00

one day seeing the biggest & fattest house lizard he'll ever encounter.

The chalet where we had Bible Study Camp merely fed that phobia till it got about as fat as that lizard in his mental picture.

2nd chance at a huge price

2009-12-24T01:11:00.009+08:00

I guess that means I'll have to take Organic Chem again next semester. In every other way, things are better than the previous Semesters, so next Sem if I can finally nail Organic, things will take a good turn.

I mean a good turn divided by 2.

Somehow because of this shit that happened, I'm less anxious at clearing my 2000s by the end of year 2 -- it has now become impossible anyway. All I'm having questions about is where God is leading everything in relation to, erm, matters of the heart.

My confidence at taking things further suffered a hull breach when CM2121 gave me the _|_. For that split second, questions upon questions about my supposed future career came upon me and for once I fully realised the importance of having a future which I can then lead someone into.

I'm improving, albeit too slowly. Too slowly. I suddenly have the urge to punish myself by delaying gratification until the end of the next Sem, when I can finally chalk up better grades to... prove myself? Prove my worthiness? Worthiness of what? By God's standards I'm not worthy of anything and everything I've been given had been grace. This pursuit of mine in question is going to be so much more of a grace from God.

But I guess, in spite of the little struggle I've just reportedly been through, I'm not the waiting kind. I foresee I'll be fine in the few days to come, when we'll next meet. What immediately follows will be crucial. Whether this tiny series of events will be a foretaste of things to come next Semester, I don't wanna know. All I know is that I might not want to do uncalculated things like ripping off my own heart in the middle of a Semester, again.

Home Home

2009-12-20T23:07:00.002+08:00

I totally get what Kelvin said about not wanting to shop in SG again. For some reason, stuff's always cheaper outside Singapore, be it US or Batam!

Still, going to 2 neighbouring countries within this short week (on church assignments for both) made me stop and think about how much I've taken the clean and orderly streets of Singapore (and the traffic lights!!) for granted. National Education can't do shit, seriously, while an overseas trip or two was all it took to make me treasure my home country and the level of creature comfort and religious freedom that we enjoy. Now I can finally truly say, there's no place I'd rather be.

Still, it's good training for next summer, when I'll be out teaching music to kids in the plains of Mongolia, if Steph & gang's plans come to fruition.

Since I last blogged

2009-12-20T23:00:00.000+08:00

I've

Taken my exams. Urgh.
Braved JLPT2 after mugging for 2 days.
Participated in church camp and now feel more spiritually revitalised than ever (and finally grew tired of prawns)
Gone for my first short mission trip with my church to Batam and having my life changed by a S$5 polo tee.
Gotten sore fingers from playing Bass.

... and I'll be

Doing posters for Campus Fellowship activities the next semester
Carolling and spreading the Good News at Dhoby Ghaut on, of all days, Dec 22
(while trying to keep the BAD news out of my mind)
Spending the most unromantic New Year's eve ever. With my BAND!

The next level for our band is so near yet so far, especially in times like this when the Ben & Jerry's Open Mic programme is being suspended and suddenly we realised that for now, we've lost our source of regular gigs. We've just gotta keep at doing what we love, and take active steps to improve. For me, "Improvement" in a very real sense might only be possible after Emerge, when I'll contemplate leaving VOICES.

GG

2009-11-11T13:17:00.002+08:00

The good kind of GG.

Giving it a pass though, it's not gonna be that affordable and I've already got a white/gold watch, but still!

5

2009-11-07T20:25:00.002+08:00

2 things I will start doing. No, 3 things on my to-do list, now that I got my 5-string bass.

Perfect my muting techniques which are, sad to say, pretty immature as of now.
Practice playing with a pick.
Continue on my quest for Muse's HYSTERIA!

One night in YIH

2009-11-06T01:27:00.002+08:00

2 cans of Red Bull, one pack of sweets.

Motivation: deadline.

Incentive: ???

Toy Soldiers

2009-11-03T10:09:00.001+08:00

I find myself in an institution which does not reward proper sleeping habits.

Down

2009-10-21T15:09:00.003+08:00

Down with fever. Can't be there for my project groups and fellowship cell.

Lost 2 performance opportunities with VOICES at one go. It really bothers me.

Refresh

2009-10-20T01:00:00.002+08:00

The improvement from Band 3, the self-arranged practice from Band 2, and the little surprise from Kee Onn & Joel really made me feel much more refreshed,

at a time when the dark cloud of FEVER hovers right above my head, ready to discharge that bolt of infection right on me, and I feel like the second most fatigued student in NUS (first is Ryan Lee :P)

Sore throat is pretty much confirmed though, and I've got 2 singing gigs coming up. What a bad timing T.T

Such are the times

2009-10-18T23:13:00.002+08:00

Such are the times when the bulk of my time is spent on stuff that isn't exactly newsworthy while the real juicy newsworthy 劲爆 events of late, I cannot share.

What a waste.

Had a feel-good birthday celebration this year though. Thanks sister you've made my day.

10 weeks of mayhem have passed, my comrade in arms has finally escaped the dark tower while I'm a few steps further into the torture chamber, 'cause I love the pain (Read: My fellow Chem Major in VOICES has transferred course and my lab sessions have just begun). Talk about weeping and gnashing of teeth.

4 piano accompaniments to practice, now.

It's not too long

2009-10-07T01:21:00.001+08:00

I don't know what you think about me, maybe you feel nothing at all.

But I don't wanna smile without you.

powerless?

2009-10-05T11:14:00.003+08:00

I hate it when there's nothing I can do to help. I hate this feeling.

I hate it when people close up because they fear the emotions within them. I hate it when people refuse to address their problems just because they need to be painfully honest sometimes to do so.

But more than anything else, I hate it that in the end even if everything is brought out into broad daylight, I still won't be able to help.

Feel-good

2009-10-05T09:49:00.005+08:00

Everything's now in the feel-good state. Not rainbows and butterflies, but feel-good.

But that's dangerous. I was unbelievably optimistic about my studies last Sem, or maybe complacency was the word. This Sem I'm far from complacent, but the automatic loosening of tension after my last (TECHNICALLY my last) midterm shook me a bit. No I must keep the tension at a healthy level.

10 years

2009-09-11T10:26:00.002+08:00

It's been 10 years.

Finally, a chance to return home. After so long a wait.

Haste

2009-09-11T00:55:00.002+08:00

Let things take their natural course and not try to rush it.

As much as I can't take all the waiting and guessing and rationalising. I feel I'm so much more reserved now, but maybe I'm doing just fine.

'sides, it's not even time for ME to make a decision yet.

I just need the constant reminder that it'll turn out wrong if I take shortcuts.

More listeners, more advisers, less wet blankets. That'll do for now :D

Damn it

2009-09-08T14:08:00.004+08:00

Got craving for chocolate, after doing hours of research just on choc alone argh.

Nice ~~legs~~ song. Who can resist the ~~legs~~ ambiguity in the key, modulating between D Major and A Major and never really coming to a resolution. I Like!

Up

2009-09-01T22:44:00.002+08:00

Watched UP. Came out of the theater thinking of everything else but balloons. Disillusionment, significance, decisions, friendships, life. Anything but balloons.

It's one of the films of late which once again reminded me that "good and bad" isn't exactly that clear cut; it's the decisions that we make at the moment that determine which side we take, and if need be, who survives.

There are times when I make decisions that, on retrospective, don't make any sense at all. Besides being appalled at myself I find myself wondering what if people judge me by those decisions. Most of the time they don't, actually, and I have to remind myself not to come too quickly to judgements about people as well, by only seeing the tip of the iceberg.

扯很远了。扯回来吧。

Basically I feel a lot for the old explorer guy (forgot his name) who gave his life for his achievement and vindication. I'm still not sure if I would call him bad person, though in any standard story his fate would be the "just deserts" of any typical villain. Was he so lost in his pursuit that he got twisted in the process? Was it his momentary loss of composure that drew a fault line between him and the heroes of the story (and his many past victims)?

In the end is it even worth it, though? Giving so much for an achievement which only a small slice of the future generations will remember. And losing so much more in the process.

I am happy for our heroes who found joy in life together, but the lessons etched more deeply in my heart will be from the old explorer, who died without vindication.

JSS

2009-08-25T00:03:00.000+08:00

Thanks to JSS, I suddenly find myself...

Going for bowling again...

Playing Baseball and attempting blockbuster Home Runs...

And getting a chance to camwhore in a ~~yukata~~ jinbei (super casual Japanese ethnic wear for your ojisan next door).

夏祭り! Summer Festival 2009!

Perspective

2009-08-20T23:13:00.000+08:00

New vocab learnt from Steph: "Wholesome-looking" :D

What Do You See

2009-08-08T14:46:00.002+08:00

Wa, nice leh, one of the nicer songs from these few years. First heard it only today LOL.

I somehow can't imagine the throngs of primary school kids sitting in stuffy school halls singing this song during comunity singing, but I'm not complaining :) We do need non-schoolkid-friendly songs once in a while la, huh?

Summer Thanksgiving

2009-08-05T23:22:00.007+08:00

Now that summer is coming to an end, I'll give a general account (not the one on CORS) of what transpired during the sweltering season of fun.

Blazing the Music with Converse! Playing in the glass window display at Tangs wasn't exactly friendly on the acoustics, but we did have fun!

Xavier said he thought of this J-Rock hairstyle when he first looked at me. Encouraging, huh?

Bintan beach retreat with CVCF! A great time of fellowship, Tzu Char binging, Bintang Beer and hermit crab collection.

MusicMen!!!

All Saints' Church Student Camp, where I witnessed many brothers and sisters being used mightily by God for expanding His Kingdom.

Plus my own nostalgic night walk around AHS, marvelling at how old (concrete) meets new (concrete)

SHINE Youth Event at Orchard Road! I played bass for VOICES and REIS for the fringe event booths.

Stormtrooper from 501st! They're actually the most decent-looking ones at SHINE, among a whole throng of cosplayers.

CAC (Cultural Activities Club) Camp. I just found out that they'll have a finale this coming Friday where CAC will actually be publicised. Wow.

Too late, damage's done. Put me through 3 days of pure, unadulterated "Engin Camp Part 2". つまんない。

Marina Barrage really boasts a panoramic view I'd say.

Takeaways from the camp? A nice tan plus a sand sorcerer shot, LOL.

You'll bet I wanted some relief from that 3 days of awkwardness away from home! Got it at the following J-Studies Society camp!

I kind of missed JSS, 'cause most of the activities clashed with lessons and VOICES. I've gotta say they're a fun bunch!

Nice freshies and a CCA camp that's got its own character. Didn't waste my time.

Fun with old friends...

Enjoying Nighttime Sentosa

Manning stations and doing silly stuff like drinking with 10 straws

Playing Ponyo at the beach

Playing motion shots with DSLR. Again.

The glorious Jumpshot!

Burying Junhong in the sand and "building" a Gundam Wing Zero out of it. Carolyn can really draw, even on sand!

Halfway through the summer I found myself in the organising commitee of CVCF Freshmen Camp, doing programs with Chuling. When Jiamian first explained to me his concept of CORS bidding simulation - all for the purpose of giving the freshmen some hands-on before Round 1A actually starts - I never expected the project to scale up towards a fully working, formula-driven spreadsheet. We had great fun bidding for food items (which we agreed are the best form of incentive we can promise in a 1-day bidding game), but eventually the prizes proved to be... a tad too much to stomach, LOL.

I've enjoyed the CVCF camp experience lest year - simple but rewarding. I guess I can say the same for this year as well :)

Same Museum, different year.

I've come to love eagles especially after understanding the significance of the analogy in Isaiah 40

The real "Can of Worms"! If these are the larvae I can imagine how big the beetles will end up. The description says that they taste like shrimps when fried, but I'm not sure if I want to find out!

Our group winnings! I guess we got the more digestable combination.

The coming semester promises to be more hectic and eventful, and my prayer is still the same. To remember God in the excitement of my days of youth, and to deliver.

Ohayo Merlion

2009-07-29T13:21:00.000+08:00

Somehow it warms my heart to know that the Merlion is kinda famous in Japan.

Nihon no Mikata - Friends of Japan

2009-07-16T11:03:00.003+08:00

Yazima Beauty Salon: 3 Japanese guys playing the role of 3 sisters hailing from Nevada... what a concept LOL

I foresee a JSS mass dance in the making.

Snippets from SHINE

2009-06-28T22:49:00.002+08:00

I'm glad we came through for our gig at Orchard yesterday! Both for VOICES and REIS.

4 practices in total for VOICES, changes here and there during the sessions, getting bold and experimental: Roger on bass, Joel catching exact string parts, and me on drums. DRUMS!!!

3 practice sessions for REIS. Looking back, we've been pretty bold indeed!

Be it with VOICES at the crowded front of Wisma Atria or with REIS at the panoramic Ngee Ann City Civic Plaza, nothing quite beats performing right out there in the open. I should probably say that I felt less nervous than in my gigs at Ben & Jerry's 'cause...

I generally feel more relaxed in open spaces
The sound system was better. I could really blast my bass!
The Stormtroopers from 501st Legion somewhat gave me an ego boost.

Jane Doe (DJ from 91.3): "Hi, you are?"

在下: "Weiquan."

JD: "Hmm..."

在下: "Is Isaiah easier to remember?"

JD: "Ah yes, Isaiah! Alright."

... ...

在下: "... yes, and REIS stands for Roger, Evan, Isaiah and Sanjay."

JD: "OK. How do I spell your name again?"

在下: "i-s-a-i-a-h."

JD: "Oh... that Isaiah!"

在下: "Yes. That one! :)"

JD: "So you watch Grey's Anatomy!"

在下: "... "

Evan: "So, are you happy?"

在下: "I should be."

Rhythm

2009-06-27T00:04:00.002+08:00

Drumming is a totally different experience. Altogether.

I'm so close to saying that the exhilaration it gives beats that which I get from singing.

Step 2

2009-06-25T23:30:00.003+08:00

This is going slower than planned.

I've finally finished Emo Intel out of the tons of books I bought for the summer.

And now, after getting to understand the nature of emotions and how they build up or drag down the individual, depending on how he or she manages it, I'm now moving on to getting inspirations for how exactly to manage those emotions.

"Changes that Heal" by Dr Henry Cloud. From my random browsing I found some honest accounts of very personal issues that people might face, and scriptural answers to them. Now after going through the introductory chapters which kind of promised some practical aspects of growing in God's image and likeness - an idea frequently brought up, but not that easily defined - I'm really looking forward to the rest of the journey.

Back to my study room then!

In His time

2009-06-21T13:06:00.002+08:00

Yesterday's cell was especially edifying. Almost all of us served in Student Camp, and we've all had our very own tiny (some not so tiny) encounters with God, and opportunities to serve Him.

And sometimes, God just raises us up for the occasion, under very short notice!

I'm glad to say that I've found one of my areas of calling. But it's just one, and I'm sure there're more.

Burdens come and go. In different times we see different people in need, but who will I be called to minister to? This time round I've been reading Emotional Intelligence by Goleman, and in the cases described in the book I see people missing out on the fullness of life because of a missing ingredient in their life: EQ.

Fights, destructive relationships, lives broken by the onslaught of negative emotions, and all we need is to handle our emotions better.

That could be learnt (or for some, re-learnt) with external help.

Which brought back to mind my distant interest in Social Work modules in University.

I still have yet to make my choice for my Minor, and I'll still be doing J-Studies modules. But I should probably take a closer look at SW in the following semesters.

Still, God, even in all these, even when I know that everything will only happen in Your own time, I guess I won't cease pleading with you about that small request of mine. The frustration has awakened all over again, and I doubt it ever will go away.

I know I sound like a brat, but I'm sick of waiting.

OMG

2009-06-18T01:40:00.007+08:00

I was very grateful that God used me after all, for ASC Student Camp, when it first seemed impossible.

And just when I thought I'd merely "session" for them during the daily worship services 'cause I had other CCA admin stuff to settle, I eventually decided to stay in because of the early hours of the practices and services.

I guess spending the wee hours outside home for that number of days gave me the time and the ambience I needed for some time alone with God.

During the BBQ on the final day, among Zhihao's PA system playlist there was "5 loaves 2 fish" by Corrinne May, a song about surrender, that came into my life during a time when I really needed that moment of surrender to God.

To surrender my... delusion that I could take things into my own hands easily, I suppose.

I went off alone to that dark classroom block to pray. About many things.

Among which was my frustration that I never seemed to be able to be fully satisfied in God Himself. I was still chasing after the kinds of love that I wanted, or I thought I wanted. Those desires were real, and relevant, I believe. They remain very much so, and I believe they're from God.

But I could go so far as to say that I won't be satisfied; I WON'T REST until one day when my desires are met.

And though I've gotten enough timely messages from God to never doubt His existence ever again, truth was, to me He's just like a pen pal, a one-way Skype friend. We communicate at a distance. Only He was a webcam. Sure, I've recieved a few "e-mails", but what I knew of Him was based on information. Concrete, yes, but just information.

And I know there can never be a day when we can sit down and have tea and talk just like friends do. Before I go home to His Kingdom, that is.

So for now, this is the furthest our communication could go.

...

"How could I possibly be satisfied like that?" I asked God.

After I got a bit better I went back to my bunk which was also the venue for the camp prayer cell, and Qinglin was making this passing comment about being surprised at someone saying it's easy to believe in the Christian faith.

In an equally passing comment, I said I'd probably say the same. It's just information based faith, after all.

I was surprised at how, at that moment, I easily took Shuyi's reply to that comment of mine, 'cause I feel a tad reserved now even as I put it into words when I recount that conversation.

"Perhaps you haven't really met God yet."

But I had to say, I was suddenly opened to possibilities that lay before me and I chose not to see.

To think that I dared say that this was the furthest level of fellowship I could go with God. When in my last post I was still praying for "something better".

WHEN GOD HAS ALREADY GIVEN ME HIS BEST! HE GAVE HIS LIFE FOR ME!

There's definitely more I can seek, and God can always reveal more of Himself to me. And here, I'll ask Him to.

"Please."

Wait

2009-06-08T20:43:00.004+08:00

The word is still regret. Regret that I've killed something that's alive. Like cutting off a bud before it could bear flower and fruit. Like boiling an egg so that the chick could never be born.

So, the hungry man who could have had spring chicken now has only a hard bolied egg to show for it.

God opens up opportunities, and when he decides to open doors he'll open them anyway.

Just that now, because I sought early gratification, these opportunities, now hollowed by my act of folly, stare back at me in mockery.

But if I so fervently commit to prayer, would he not give me something new, something better? He will, whether I believe it or not. Just that if I keep on refusing to wait in faith, I'd destroy everything.

So I'll whine, but I'll wait.

Deliver

2009-06-08T01:36:00.002+08:00

The key word for my next 3 weeks will be: Deliver.

I have my time constraints, and I might really be too stretched out. Still, I don't need that much time; I just need to make full use for whatever little time I have for everything.

And deliver.

thank You for the music

2009-06-05T20:45:00.003+08:00

I'm very much looking forward to my next gig with R.E.I. (still a tentative name).

Good that all of us are quickly building on our repertoire (the foundation of which was laid by quick upgrades from Evan's acostic solo sets). I guess one of the best things about us is that we all sing, and we all had experiences in directing bands. 'Cause this means we get our turns to sing lead vocals, we can do 3-part harmony like nobody's business, and all of us have some kind of ownership in our "open-source" repertiore in general.

I was so on high from singing "Wherever You Will Go" during yesterday's jamming!

And I do see myself going somewhere serving in church music ministry, compared to the previous few months when things got a bit dry. I guess the sharing in the previous ministry gathering about the importance of skills in a worship band did help me loosen up a bit from that highly reserved state I used to find myself in when playing for service.

That means I can afford to be more expressive, and now I'm more ready to try new things out. I kind of surprised myself with that agogo-ish bassline for that song which I haven't heard before that session but they all called "ancient", LOL.

Ah, yes

2009-05-29T11:24:00.003+08:00

I had to remind myself that, if this had been the December vacation instead, it'd be over soon.

But now I still have 2 months.

All other plans are going on fine, but I've gotten a few books for the summer and I expect to finish them by the time school reopens.

I have important things to do next Sem. And study. I cannot afford to get such results for a third time.

Plus, I'm still giving myself a deadline to achieve that goal. I haven't much time left.

P.S.

I was bent on not buying any clothes this summer, 'cause I have enough of them already and also I have to save money.

And then I realised, Great S'pore Sale happens now.

Shit.

Screw that confidence

2009-05-29T11:16:00.003+08:00

'Cause in the end the grades of my elective modules weren't as rosy as expected.

And my cores, I'm just grateful they didn't get any worse.

Quite a few marked differences in this Sem and last Sem, but still not good enough to push the results up considerably. If everything had proceeded as planned, things would now be very different.

I shan't say anything about academics for the next Sem for the time being.

Bean there, worn that

2009-05-28T00:31:00.003+08:00

After an evening of "reckless abandon" in A minor preparation for gig at Ben & Jerry's on Saturday, Roger, Evan and I decided to continue on this whole beanie idea that we'd been toying with during audition day.

And Roger's finally hopped onto the Musicians' Black-Rimmed-Specs bandwagon!

Same answer, "Tsk, not used to it la."

Conclusion: New beanie for Roger. No beanie for Evan.

As for me, I'll save my beanie for some other day. This Sat I'll be turning up with a fedora.

What I really wanna say is

2009-05-20T11:54:00.004+08:00

There're times when you encounter people who just can't stop taking jabs at you to satisfy their own ego. Truth is, they're simply making a clown of themselves, and as far as I'm concerned 我~

完全

没有

任何

理由

理你

The Full Confidence of Faith - FES 50th Anniversary Talk

2009-05-17T00:01:00.002+08:00

FES, or Fellowship of Evangelical Students, is the umbrella organisation of my school Christian fellowship.

I wish I could go for the full session, but looks like I can only go for the Friday one.

Though I should say, I really think the Saturday session would be useful for me.

Time Management

2009-05-16T22:11:00.003+08:00

Who talks about time management during long vacations like this?

Me.

First 2 weeks have been eventful and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Be it outdoor trips, overseas beach retreats, music practices for band and church camp, "Live Long & Prosper", or just plain pigging out.

Got all the time to do the stuff I love. Just that all of them are crammed into May & early June.

Cool.

At first everything was nicely laid out. Now everything's starting to clash with one another. I'm so stretched out now that I can't give more time which I'd otherwise have given to polish the individual projects on hand.

And the apologetics talk for which I have to give a pass.

This is so like the exams. Just that I'm still enjoying myself nonetheless.

I merely wish I can worry less about schedules and logistics.

One (more) night in PGP

2009-05-10T23:42:00.003+08:00

One more night in PGP Residences.

And I'll be checking out tomorrow.

Everything happened too quickly in my stay here. Even more so for the events that transpired which led to my getting a room in the first place.

Tuesday, mid Feb:

E-mail from school: "We've got an empty room right now. Those interested please get back to us by this Friday."

Best part? I wouldn't even have noticed this mail if Outlook hadn't opened by itself in my Science Library PC!

Of course I replied.

Wednesday:

E-mail: "Alright the room's yours! We won't reveal the room type to you until you've checked in so you can't say no even if the room turned out to be that ATAS Type-A with air-con, attached bathroom; the type that takes a heavy blast at your Dad's pocket."

Hmm...

Thursday, 7:30 a.m. Mom's already (!) at work:

"Bye Dad! See you soon!" Thank God I got the most affordable room type!

That day I had to lug both my instruments along 'cause there'll be band practice the following day. Worked out quite a sweat that morning.

Phew!

Thus began my half-Semester stay at PGP Residences!

Suddenly, Vivocity became the nearest shopping mall, Bus 10 was... still my friendliest bus (now it goes past Vivo + Katong Shopping Mall + Church + both my homes :D ), and the quiet view of Science Park and the harbour beyond bidded me goodnight.

Everyday.

Everything that transpired after that seemed like a breeze too.

Tech Runs. And rushing with Julian and Jon for the last shuttle bus back to PGP.

Publicity Booth, erm, "mending". And that night in my room when I transcribed about 10 songs in total. Hoped whatever was done managed to put the pub side at ease.

More Tech Runs. During one of which I almost went insane. Simply because someone else got lucky (go figure). Ugh, silly me.

Rehearsals at Lunar Bar. And it was only my third time there when I looked up and saw... those pictures o_O.

Emerge.

あの事件。It was in this room, all those nights, when I prayed all the time, but didn't stop to listen. You'd never have expected that fine day to turn out this way. I didn't either.

And it was in this same room, when things got a little brighter. I'm very thankful for whatever followed, given the mess I've made.

Steph's birthday bash. 8 songs in 2 days. And my eyes got larger too.

Campus Reunion Concert. Practices till 3 a.m. and the like. Supper at Fong Seng. All possible 'cause I have a room at PGP.

And the dead goldfish.

I'm not gonna talk about exams here.

Point is, tonight will be my last night here in PGP. This room will forever hold those memories of Year 1 Sem 2.

How timely it is, then, that tomorrow I'll be going for VOICES new Exco election straight after checking out. Right into a new beginning. The week of Emerge 09, which forms the bulk of my ties to this room, is but a distant memory now, but I think I'll pack it into my last batch of luggage too as I leave.

When the clock next strikes 12, the room shall be back to how it was again.

Crisis Core

2009-05-10T23:30:00.004+08:00

McSpicy, it's calling my name now ARGH!!!

Kai Guan: "what do YOU think of this semester?"

在下: "Picture an apple with its 'core' removed."

Fuji Apple. What's left is purely Japanese. OK I'm getting too cryptical here...

Ubin

2009-05-10T22:05:00.002+08:00

SUMMER.

Not the time to unwind yet, but there's definitely time for some Ubin fun!

We met at Tampines, so I could afford that little extra sleep. And woke up to: Rain.

That meant, plans B all the way to Z. We could always hit the ice-skating rink, and go for Karaoke... but the rain stopped so we could proceed as planned.

I miss the exhilaration of cycling, especially in the cool weather after the rain. And I was sure glad I went in flip-flops... all the mud!

Tour guide for the day: Huachuan!

Boys. All under cover

A piece of the multicoloured wonder

Kimochi

2009-05-01T13:36:00.003+08:00

Another of my favourite tracks on my iPod.

Spotted this group WaT (Wentz & Teppei) a few years back on a review on i-Weekly, got curious and went to get their album. Loved everything from style of music to the youthful theme of the lyrics.

“僕のキモチ”, "My Feelings" in English, is one of their most famous songs.

Wonderful LIVE setup. If only Teppei hadn't been crying from the start of the song... LOL.

I shall do justice to this song in my next visit to Cash Studios KTV. The last time I went I had sore throat ARGH!!!

Must Wake Up

2009-05-01T00:41:00.000+08:00

Must Wake Up At 8 a.m. Must Wake Up At 8 a.m. Must Wake Up At 8 a.m. Must Wake Up At 8 a.m. Must Wake Up At 8 a.m. Must Wake Up At 8 a.m. Must Wake Up At 8 a.m. Must Wake Up At 8 a.m. Must Wake Up At 8 a.m. Must Wake Up At 8 a.m. Must Wake Up At 8 a.m. Must Wake Up At 8 a.m. Must Wake Up At 8 a.m. Must Wake Up At 8 a.m. Must Wake Up At 8 a.m. Must Wake Up At 8 a.m. Must Wake Up At 8 a.m. Must Wake Up At 8 a.m. Must Wake Up At 8 a.m. Must Wake Up At 8 a.m. Must Wake Up At 8 a.m. Must Wake Up At 8 a.m. Must Wake Up At 8 a.m. Must Wake Up At 8 a.m.

So I shall go sleep now.

L`Arc~en~Ciel - Nexus 4

2009-04-30T12:48:00.005+08:00

Stumbled upon this song last semester, when I still had the time and the motivation to follow the Oricon Charts.

Love the groove to bits. And the high 'A' note.

One of my favourite destress songs.

V1:
あてなくただよう　TRAFFIC JAM
街は無秩序　（むちつじょ）　そそぐ雨は　ACID RAIN
明日への空席も無く
迷う僕らは夢見る　ELECTRIC SHEEP

PC1:
いつ来るか知れない　憧れの時
燻　（くすぶ）る　感情は
ただ黙って待ってられない

C1:
見上げたなら　夜空を切り裂いて
駆け上るJET　僕らを導く
錆　（さ）びついた羽根は　まだ朽　（く）ち果てちゃいない
夏より熱い燃え上がる魂
さぁ目覚めろ　NEXT STAGE

V2:
無数に増殖　（ぞうしょく）する　TRAP
一つミスれば笑い飛ばされ　DELETE
未来は仮想的空間へ
結局確かな物は　この想いだけさ

PC2:
眺　（なが）めるばかりの　燃えゆく炎
棒に振るチャンスを　ただ黙って待ってられない

C2:
見上げたなら　夜空を切り裂いて
駆け上るJET　僕らを導く
信じるまま　走れ　きっとまだ間に合う
跳　（は）ね上がる SPEED　決して逃がさない
さぁ飛び乗れ　NEXT STAGE

B:
使い捨てられたって　見返してやるさ
0からの自由を取り込んだ最強のMONSTER

C3:
捲き上がった轟音　（ごうおん）にまみれて秒読みのＳＴAＲＴ
鼓動に合わせて　SAY　321　GO!
君が見上げたなら高く駆け昇る　JET　僕らが旅立つ
さあ飛び乗れSPACE AGE
VIRTUAL GENERATION

This rainy morning

2009-04-30T09:38:00.002+08:00

Don't I just love the rain.

8 a.m. in the morning, with a gentle pour outside my bunk window, sounding like a lullaby.

I said "heck" to my handphone alarm and slept on. Who wouldn't?

9 a.m..Woke up all refereshed (even after that stupid dream about losing my bag). I guess the morning rain had such a widespread effect, they had to use this fake fire alarm to wake us all up.

Got Cloud Like Snake

2009-04-29T14:03:00.002+08:00

《赤壁》中听到孔明说的 “连窥天河，有云如蛇”，就是这个意思吧。

4 months of Japaneseness

2009-04-28T15:51:00.007+08:00

It's not over yet.

AnpanMan shall return, in Japanese 4!

なぜ？だって　アンパンマン　は　一人　しか　いない　だろう？

この学期に、やっと　大学で　日本語を　勉強する　チャンスが　あって、うれしかった。まぁ、都合がちょっと　よくなかったけど　（水曜の　夜　だから、教会の　バンドを　やめなければならなかった）、会話の　練習する　機会がいっぱいあったし、新しい　友達も　できたんだ。

それに、あんなに　不都合な　時間のせいで、晩ご飯が　一つの　アンパン　しか　食べられないように　なってしまった。

だから　アンパンマン　だ。

この学期の　日本語は　こんな　鼓動で　終わって　よかった　（この前のポストを参考）。うれしいよ、僕。

これを　読んでる　君たちも　あきらめないでよ！

P.S. まぁ実は、あんまり　専門　の　物理化学に　戻りたくないなぁ．．．　次の試験のトピクだったのに．．．

Motivation

2009-04-28T13:12:00.002+08:00

These days I see it everywhere. Even in the least expected places.

Like the comprehension passage of my Japanese Exam. I was brimming with energy after I finished the whole exercise, LOL.

A very simple message - "You will become the person you think you are".

If I had fully embraced my identity in Christ I'd be a very different person today. But so far I've merely been allowing my defeatist mindset which I've been cultivating since secondary school to eat me up from inside.

I know who I want to be. I just have to take active steps to push my childish fears away.

Thank you, God, for using all kinds of stuff to remind me, that if there's going to be a time for change, it is NOW.

The author shares the same dream as mine.

「子どもに「父ちゃん、かっこういい！」と言われたい。」

OK maybe there's a slight difference, but the bottomline is the same - to be a good parent.

Someday I will bring my children up in the ways of the Lord, teach them all the things I should have been taught, and see them growing up as whole persons.

That's my life goal. That's the best way I can make up for what my parents have missed out on - the goodness of a healthy family life.

help

2009-04-26T20:23:00.004+08:00

下个考卷，12小时后进行。

还有半个webcast要听完，接着盖过4份DNA的讲义。

刚刚的晚餐就像这即将结束的学期一样，我满脑子都是课业以外的事情。暑假的种种计划也好，人生目标也好，自我意识也好，又是一个人吃着饭，眉头深锁地思考着。

我对自己的要求越来越严格了。前看后看明明都有神的带领，但就是不满自己仍处在“等待”的阶段。我不喜欢等。

我对别人都有耐心，就是对自己，完全没有。

下学期正式当上“学长”了。对我来说是项更高一层的考验和试炼。

这两周，还是先读书吧。至少我知道，I'm in good hands.

Ah

2009-04-24T11:39:00.000+08:00

あっ

My test is 9 a.m. tomorrow.

Let's see how much I can "unscrew" in one day.

Mug-hattan

2009-04-23T18:25:00.004+08:00

Spidey comes to Central ~~Slum~~ Library!

I don't feel stressed or emo or whatever, but it's not that hard to spot that sulky face in my dear benzene ring.

Thanks for sulking along with me Benzene. You're now my next best friend since Acetone.

Comfort?

2009-04-22T20:38:00.002+08:00

Last 3 pages of Chapter 22 on my Organic Chem, and now I'm stuck in the comfort zone of textbook-reading.

Go out there and do some practice, man! 有什么好舍不得的？

Work Work!

2009-04-20T23:34:00.001+08:00

赶快工作也将临夜临工便成

Amen.

Match

2009-04-20T00:50:00.000+08:00

Damn Chapter 13! Damn Equilibrium!

Tml I shall squeeze-dry Huachuan's Organic Chem expertise LOL.

I've always been looking for a suitable alternative to my black Timex watch (to match my T-shirt + loose-fit cargo berms) and my sliver Adidas analogue watch (to match my shirts). Up till now I've been settling for wearing my silver watch when I'm wearing T-shirt + Jeans, but there's gotta be a better option. One fine evening, looking around on the MRT, I found my answer.

Got it this afternoon :D

Love Story

2009-04-18T00:10:00.002+08:00

「これは僕の　恋愛に関する物語だ。」

This coming week will be a test of how much I love myself.

もう一度言う。「これは僕の　恋愛に関する物語だ。」

And how much I love Chemistry.

Chotto Matte Kudasai

2009-04-16T15:57:00.005+08:00

Don't all go off at the same time, man!

2 projects from my J-Studies and J-Language module just got wrapped up today. Sui sui. Now as far as these 2 modules are concerned I'm down to the final exams.

I'm too lazy for words. But I should still say, most of my coursemates and I fell in love with Japan even more after the whole course, in ways that differ from person to person. I, for one, had a very different view of the Samurai before this course, and I came out with a very different impression of them. I've now seen the more human, everyday side of the Samurai, I guess.

And many other things, of course. Like the precarious balance that is the national identity of Japan. I totally had no idea.

And to my project group mates, nice working with you guys. I'm glad we embarked on this topic, somehow. It's got its academic value I daresay. Compared to sushi and samurai, that is :D

My favourite part of the research would go to the part on Meiji Restoration. Their obsession with achieving excellence was... mind blowing. And inspiring.

And I still don't buy the victim mindset of WW2 Japan. They can call me brainwashed by the victors' justice of the Allies, but I won't exactly say I believe the Allies; I only believe the tens of thousands of Chinese killed in WW2. I'm Chinese after all. and there're just some things we can never joke about, I think.

It was with mixed feelings that I slotted the term paper into Shumin's mailbox.

We've finally wrapped things up for LAJ presentation. Our improv was classic!

「ストレスに　なると (!)　」

and I'll check out more of 推背图 this summer.

And now my core modules, don't all come charging at me at once!

ooooookkkkkkaaaaayyyyy llooooorrrr

2009-04-15T08:57:00.003+08:00

It's a refreshing experience, and it's amazing how things change when I start making an effort in pushing my limiting beliefs away.

After all, ultimately, those limiting beliefs just reflect one thing - my obsession with gaining the approval of man, something God said I shouldn't care about.

So I finally came to terms with the fact that I've been the one consciously conjuring up those ideas about myself, and this means I can really stop myself from thinking stuff like "I'm just an extra in the group" if I want to.

And I began to see how, bit by bit, my social interactions took on a positive change.

Today, while praying, I decided to just let it off a bit in my private (OK, not so private now) time with God, since I still needed an avenue for release. I was just about to start with "Actually huh, I felt rather ignored yesterd-"

"What is that to you? You follow Me."

-- John 21:22

Stunned.

It just came up my mind and I got hit by the truth of it. Out of context yes, but definitely not out of character for Him to give me such a word for a time like this.

OK lor.

Summer

2009-04-15T00:32:00.003+08:00

Hole-y

2009-04-13T21:31:00.003+08:00

I wanted to blog about how blessed I felt during Holy Week. I still will, but looks like I'm not going to be able to do it today.

This morning I was thinking I'd be able to clear 3 chapters of Organic Chemistry after dinner.

But I'm still doing my J-studies paper now. Should have been done before dinner time.

Slowness. And tiredness. Stared at laptop all day. DAMN good for the eyes. Already pondering the possibility of sleeping at 10 p.m. and waking up at 5 a.m. tomorrow to finally do some Chemistry and get stuff settled for the final Fellowship Cell Group for the Semester.

Am I still the Proud Science Student?

God use me. However unworthy I am.

Dark Nintendo Night

2009-04-10T11:44:00.004+08:00

OK I have to say, this is awesome.

The fusion of 2 songs, with different chord progressions, that somehow fit together. Mario undergoes a key change to B Major to fit the B Minor of Dark Eternal Night. OK scratch "somehow". The fit is almost perfect!

Spark

2009-04-10T01:53:00.005+08:00

It came this afternoon, in full force, when the dibenzylacetone-alcohol solution was boiling a tad too rigourously and some of it spilled over onto the heating pan. Somewhere close by the pan a spark burst forth with a loud 'pop' sound, so loud I wondered why no one turned to look.

I turned off my heating pan, thinking that it had short-circuited (and later found out that it hadn't, thank God).

And ended up stoning there for a minute or two.

I guess things have been building up for the past week. My lab report which I've just completed a moment ago, slightly overdue. My conversation with Xuande about rethinking my Major and job prospects... OK maybe just my Major. And I kind of amused myself when Jewel was asking how I've been juggling studies and CCA and my reply was a simple

"No, actually I haven't been juggling."

Yea, I haven't. I've compromised on my studies by quite a lot. I can rethink my fling with Chemistry at a later date, but as of this Semester I've got 2 Chem modules and 1 Life Science module and I'm still intent on getting my 4.5. Even after that disastrous Organic Chem quiz.

And that means going through my 2 textbooks faithfully, bit by painful bit.

Moving on is always easy. It requires a lot more effort and mental energy, however, to make sure I take the lessons learnt along with me as I move on.

Which is kind of strange, 'cause I also believe that the longest-lasting changes will always take place at sub-conscious level.

It will take another semester, I guess, to see how much more comfortable I've become with myself. And with people.

If I get to see Bass Clef, Miller and Santos the next Sem, I'll be a happy man :)

Chemistry

2009-04-06T22:42:00.002+08:00

What happens when a chemist buys a new water bottle?

Cool. Such a turn-on. Go google hexagonal water. I can only wonder how much the turnover is for the catalytic inner coating. That's something which cannot be easily found out by titration...

Talk

2009-04-04T23:28:00.000+08:00

A prayerful man is a happy man XD

A look too much

2009-03-30T15:39:00.002+08:00

~~The goldfish came to our cluster kitchen a few weeks ago. Lively and adorable, in a simple fish bowl. Didn't know who owned it, though, but it looks like it was constantly fed.~~

~~It's been a few days since I last returned to my dorm, and~~

the goldfish died. lying on its side on the base of the fish bowl. i shouldn't have looked. everytime i see something die i see the face of death. i wish someone would clear it. i won't be stepping into the kitchen for quite some time 'cause if no one clears it i would see the fish decay.

then i'll see the face of hades too.

Retail Therapy

2009-03-30T12:39:00.002+08:00

Home after 2 weeks away, and I recieved the best homecoming greeting ever :)

Why I blog

2009-03-29T01:55:00.002+08:00

I should have been doing my Japanese homework.

But somehow, I'm glad I spent some time looking back to my past posts, even those dating back less than a year. I can see how much I've changed since then.

New preoccupations, new opportunities, stuff like that. Things I never imagined I would experience, now laid on my table in all their abundance.

I can hardly believe that there'll be more to this. But I know I have to.

At least I'm in good hands, that's for sure :)

Step out

2009-03-28T17:48:00.003+08:00

There are some things in life now that I'd rather not go through.

On the brighter side, that's part and parcel of taking up any kind of responsibility. I just need my dose of Initiative again LOL.

Then again, this beats cooping up myself at home playing video games (like last December), anytime. OK actually I still don't know which is better.

Eat snake watch this.

2009-03-26T01:56:00.003+08:00

Just as I was pondering whether to take a power nap before I continue with my Lab Report, along came Joel's tip-off.

Goodness... they sure know how to have fun LOL.

Bites

2009-03-26T00:06:00.002+08:00

I want one of this.

I've decided to invest on nice headgears recently, and the easily identifiable Domo-kun might make a nice addition to the collection. Hmm...

Shagged but satisfied

2009-03-25T04:11:00.004+08:00

Halfway through my Lab Report.

It's been a long time since I've felt this exhilaration that comes with learning. I've been praying yesterday about my initial goals of entering University that I've laid out, one of which being the pursuit of knowledge.

'cause I needed some reminder at times :)

And while I shouldn't be saying such things only after reaching the mid of my 2nd semester, I should be fully aware that by selecting my major I've essentially taken up a profession. I'm getting trained in a craft now.

Just a different way of saying "mugging", and it now makes staying up till 4 a.m. worthwhile.

In case I need to spell it out, this post is an indicator that life is finally back to normal. XD

So,

2009-03-24T16:08:00.003+08:00

So you can relate after all!

Man I sure envy you for whatever you've gone through. But it's no use envying; God has his own timing for me XD.

Thanks though, for showing me that I'm not alone in this.

Let's show the world who's right!

It remains

2009-03-22T19:33:00.004+08:00

Felt much better after talking with Steph over MSN a few days ago, and with Liwei over dinner today.

There's still a thick line between opening myself up to God and opening myself up to people, and there's still no reason I should ignore the inner demons of mine, namely my limiting beliefs and my unsound fear.

I finally realised why I used to be unable to put self-awareness together with selfless faith in God. My way of "trusting God" has always been in such a way that I'll automatically shut myself off the issues in my life and insist that everything's all right. I really have no idea where I rubbed that off from LOL.

I must now choose to be aware of my inner demons and trust God at the same time. Instead of deluding myself out of my problems in the name of "trusting God".

OK I shall do myself some justice here: Lately I did try to solve my outward, skin-deep problems while putting my full trust in God.

But I was allowed to be put through this little setback to show me, it's now time I get transformed on the inside too.

Same nature of a trust, on different levels of my being, and I got scared stiff already.

God, show me the way. This is gonna be a rough ride.

Tainted

2009-03-22T16:35:00.002+08:00

is the word.

I love the way the characters are portrayed in Evangelion. In the words of the director, they're all sick.

And their issues were presented in a very raw way. So raw, it's therapeutic.

The music shall not end here

2009-03-22T13:30:00.003+08:00

Though I should say, our poor attempt at "songwriting" when everyone's groggy at 7 a.m. wasn't exactly a good idea!

It's been nice working together. All those late nights of practices, supper talks, and all the side stories that happened during some of the practices, will take a special place in my memory.

And all the stuff that could go wrong with quarter-inches during a performance! LOL.

Glad to have met you guys. Rock on!

Shaken

2009-03-19T05:43:00.004+08:00

I wouldn't have shared what I've shared if not to show that, after all the shit that's happened, 我彻底死心了。

Just that I've been shaken, a lot, by almost everything that followed.

Shaken because? Because whatever I've been internalising, whatever I'm becoming, whatever I've been growing into is now shattered by one single word.

"Wrong."

So life is not that simple after all. So I have to go back to playing guessing games all over again. So I'm no longer in control after all.

It sucks. Like, sucks.

I have relinquished ownership of my life long enough. Not in the sense of leaving my life to God, but in the sense of being totally irresponsible and not caring about what I do and how I behave, and insisting that I could remain the way I was. And actually succeed in life.

Until that ray of hope came by, telling me that it's not that out of my control after all.

I'm still utterly convinced.

But then came the impact, just enough to shake me. To the core.

I don't feel safe, at all. I felt like I'm being thrown into the cold dark world once again. I wish I could stay in the hot shower for good. It's cold outside.

But I'm obviously out of the shower now, typing this post from wherever I am.

And it's cold inside me too. Freezing cold.

That seems to be the reality I've constructed for myself. All this while.

The bubble I've blown, just enough to keep me warm and hopeful within this reality of mine,

burst.

And here I am, forced to gaze upon my past hurts again. Wounds still festering and even rotting away now. Wounds cut into me, since the day I was born.

Still there. Nothing's changed.

Don't worry, friend. It's not about you, it's about me.

The scariest thing is, God is clearly in charge. In charge of all that's happening now.

I need to be alone. Not even alone with God, but alone.

Check

2009-03-13T23:45:00.002+08:00

By the time the beautiful summer comes I want to:

Give more time to my Japanese Studies module
Think more like a chemist
Pray to Him more (- . -)
Open up my bright and sunny world (^ o ^)
Run for Music Director in VOICES
Get back into...business (o . O)

Then, summer will be exciting. Very exciting.

Thrown back

2009-03-10T14:23:00.002+08:00

Why am I thrown back into the unnecessary questions I've been posing to myself just a year ago, all over again? I've been stupid then, I believe. Is my mind aging backwards now?

Things are really not as easy as I thought. Not when I can no longer avoid the fact that I've been thinking in extremes for the past few months of changing my mindset.

Things are never just black and white. I should have known better.

I've been lazy.

Now that I've almost entirely transformed my principles and what I stand for, I now face an impact that might just shake me from the very foundation up.

Only if I allow it to. I tell myself. Only if I allow it to.

Overcast

2009-03-09T00:46:00.003+08:00

The sky has never been that overcast since... quite some time ago. Kind of reflects my mood now.

While following all the self-help shit did take me to where I want to be, I now realised, upon touching down, that this is not even a destination. Just another step to a greater destiny I've been missing out on for the last 10 years of my life.

Ugh. Emo shit.

God, how do I proceed? I'm still relying on self-effort ain't I?

Google it

2009-03-04T21:14:00.002+08:00

They say Google is now a verb. How true.

Google ＝グーグル　＝＞　「グーグる」。Group 1 verb. Various forms include:

A: 「はい、今　グーグりま～す！」

B: 「君、先に　グーグったん　でしょ？」

A: 「いや、グーグらなっかたんです。」

B: 「さぁ．．．」

もしも、そんな風に、「ブログ」なら　「ブロぐ」になっちゃうの？そして．．．

「ブロぎます」「ブロがない」「ブロいでください」「ブロ．．．」

困ったなぁ．．．

Oh Shit

2009-03-03T01:02:00.002+08:00

Oh shit. Haven't done homework for Japanese tutorial tomorrow! Can I just submit my 2 posts as my LAJ homework?

Kidding la.

And yes, it probably isn't very big news, but I just passed JLPT 4. Woohoo!

"Go & die la!"